Kurtnofat

Soon….

2010-11-11T16:35:00.001-08:00

PayBox

2010-11-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

PayBox

Earn at home by just doing copy-paste

2010-10-31T19:30:00.001-07:00

Just simply click on this link and learn how.

http://www.online-home-jobs.com/4244.html

The Series of Unfortunate Events Continues...

2005-10-01T04:46:00.000-07:00

I don't remember when was the last time I smiled. For the past few weeks, I don't remember that I focused my mind on whatever I'm doing. I can't remember the last time I did appreciate life. And I'm not sure if I'm still the man I have to be.

Everyday is a pain in the ass. Problems magnify, and the way I see things is getting more darker. So dark that I can't seem to clearly see which direction I'm going, and understand if things are still a typical challenge or just signs of a deteriorating life. The reasons why I'm feeling this way may probably be superficial for some people, but for an average man like me it's burdening.

I don't wanna curse anymore but... shit... things were just so bad lately. I got sick that did cost me roughly P5,000 (it's cheap but it was a pain in the butt). Patient First charged me the full amount coz I didn't have my Maxicare Card that time. I called Maxicare to have someone explain to me why I'm screwed. The lady I talked with was kinda pissed because I was already, although in a very calm and low tone, sounding sarcastic. Why should I not? For Satan's sake, they have been a part of my payslip for almost 2 years and then I would just be denied just because I wasn't able to submit one medical certificate to complete my medical requirements. So to get out of Patient First gracefully or without them calling a police, I took the money out of my pocket and give it away. 2 weeks after, I got my Maxicare Card. But it won't help, damage has been done. Damn.

Similar thing goes with Mercury Suki Card (though it's not as valuable as Maxicare). When I first used it, I just grinned when I saw the discount. Never mind.

And just this week, I lost my cellphone.

Reality Bites

2005-09-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

Sept 2005 - It took me a long while before I finally got back here and continue this thing again. After attending a Cendant training, practicing booking hotel rooms, working in a graveyard shift, I could hardly find time to get this thing going. And of course, after getting a certificate from Cendant (travel agent), I would find myself attending another training again - Expedia (the most dreaded, notorious account of all, as NSI reps say) which made me temporarily abandon this thing.

The very first moment I learned that news, I felt like the walls are closing in on me. Oh God, I could not be in that account. I could not take more than 50 calls a day. Hell no. But after a short while, I got numb. I could no longer feel the fear nor hate. I just felt defenseless, vulnerable, helpless. Nobody could help me out of the desperate situation, not even myself. In my mind I knew it was over, so i succumbed.

Graveyard shift, drowsiness, strangers, airport codes, city and states, airline companies... those are what I'm dealing with now. And I feel alienated again after nearly working for 2 years here. I don't know what awaits me in this new environment. I don't know if I'm gonna be estranged again. But as far as I am concerned, the shit continues until I see a silver lining.

This is reality. I work in a company, they decide for me, they control me, and they own me. I have to follow orders whether I like it or not and I have to live with it. Coz I am an e-Rep. And as long as I am such, I am a company property - I am their property.

I wouldn't talk long for now. Just gonna leave something that I got from a 1953 Issue of New York Times:

Companies are owned by rich men. They are the men behind the scenes and we are their workers. We are the tools and vassals of these rich men. We are the jumping jacks, they pull the strings and we dance. Our talents, our possibilities and our lives are all the property of other men. We are intellectual prostitues.

The Departure

2005-08-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

Aug 2005 - Pressed "Menu", "AD1", "63461" and "Aux 9". I just logged in today. Still with NSI, with "VDN 9" for Tier 1. It's 6:15 AM and I'm waiting for the details of my training to be e-mailed to me. Just waiting... typing... and waiting. Few minutes passed and Sir Kris would tap me saying "your training starts at 10pm today". So I pressed "Menu", "AD2", and "Release". It's time to leave. So I'm logging off, Lex001... signing off...

2005-08-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

This is a one nice and friendly entry entitled...

The Shit

Just when everything seemed to be fine…seemed to run smoothly. Just when life seemed to be getting fair enough, contingency abruptly occurs, and shit unexpectedly happens. Yah, it’s all about shit… and bullshit. Everything is shit. All I see is shit. All I feel is shit. And because of these I cant help but to literally talk shit. On my fucking playlist right now is a track from Slipknot. It’s currently the song that’s consuming my thoughts. Coz right now, demonic hate and abomination build in me. The feeling to kill the people responsible for this, creeps up my mind. If there’s one wish I would like to happen now, I wanna be a morbid killing machine and fuck those idiots to death. And I have now learned, I have now understood, I have now believed that “people = shit”.

Isn’t it a shit that on one fine day, you would talk to a bastard and ruin your day? Isn’t it a shit that just because of a customer’s technical stupidity , you would put yourself in trouble? Isn’t it a shit that just because you raised your voice to stress your point to a goddamned dumbass, you’d be quarantined and interrogated? Isn’t it a shit that just because of a stupid fuckin’ American asshole, everything would fall into pieces? Yah, just because of that shit, everything I’ve earned, everything I’ve sweated, is completely wrecked.

God forbid, but I’m extremely fucked up right now… I am diabolically fucked up! Pissed off by the fact that while escalations take 1-3 business days, while transfers take 5-7 days, getting an e-Rep off the account only takes 24 hours. 24 fucking hours and your removal is processed - resolved. Raise your voice and you’re unprofessional. Stress your point and you’re rude. Tell the customer that he’s wrong and you’re escalated to the corporate support. And the next day, you’re quarantined (fuck). As a service rep, you’re told to be professional. And by that, they mean stay calm when you’re customer is shouting. Don’t react if you’re customer is cursing. And don’t feel bad if your customer is insulting. Coz we, service reps, don’t have the right to get affected, don’t have the right to feel bad, and don’t have the right to act like human beings when you’re on the phone. We’re trained to be cursed, to be insulted, and worst, to be humiliated. (I forgot, stay sweet even if the customer fucks with you.)

Explanations are usually useless. When you did wrong, it’s wrong. Case closed. Whether it’s by accident or impulse, it’s wrong. You can’t explain. You can’t justify your deed. And the recording is then retrieved and reviewed. On phone calls you don’t have the right to remain silent (it’s dead air, bawas QA points) and yet, anything you said will be used against you (when it reaches corp support). It’s like the popular police’s arrest script, yet ours, is a screwed up version… a fucked up version. It’s fuckin’ sad to know that you can’t present your side as a person. For we will always be treated as service reps, who are expected to nicely greet and serve even the assholes. Sabi nga ni pareng demet “Sa kabila ng lahat ng ginagawa natin, ay ang katotohanang di nila matanggap na tao tayo, na naapektuhan ng pagod at masakit na pananalita”

Everything is final. Everything has been decided. I’ll be exiled. I can’t do anything but to accept the fact that the claim of a stupid fuckin’ american asshole was favored over the apology of a maltreated service rep. That it’s the bastard with a $34.99 worth service over a rep who has served for a significant amount of time, and the only mistake was to stress a point. It’s done. I can’t stay, so I’m moving on. It’s gonna be a big big adjustment, and I hope I can cope with it. Again, though negativity has built up in me, and dark thoughts consume me, I’ll try to see this on a positive perspective. Nakakalungkot lang isipin na umabot sa ganito. Sa mga katropa kong NSI, I’m sure magkikita-kita parin naman tayo at magkakasama sa isang lamesa na merong Red Horse at Spicy Chips. Sensya na mga tol, minalas lang talaga. At sa amerikanong gago na nakausap ko, bahala na si Satanas sayo. Putang ina mo!

Actual copy of my fucking letter of apology.

My crappy template-based site. (I don't give a damn anyway)

Sad But True

2004-08-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

Warning: Explicit content, not suitable for young readers.

Sept 2004 - I have no choice but to end up with this crap. After being electronically assaulted about a year ago by a cyber smart ass, cyber son of a bitch or whatever motherfucker was that, all that I can do is settle on this simple stuff. This is the least that I could do, what else do you think I could? (dont have tools anymore). My websites were lost, websites that took nearly a couple of months before those were finally built. They're gone now. As easy as that. Man, that bullshit hacker just didn't know what shit I had gone through and how much time and attention I spent just to create those sites. Damn... all I could manage to do was feel my heart as if it's brutally shattered when I knew I lost it (the main site). Yet sometimes, though it's impossible, I still think, I still do wish I could have it back. It's not that it was a good looking site or something. It might not even interest everybody. But it is because it contained the photos that I dont have copies of, it contained the history of a happy experience (musically and socially), it contained the account of a great friendship, the moments of triumph and defeat that we will always treasure. Sad to say, all WE can do now is sigh and grieve over the loss of that site, and these people are my bandmates, my old friends and people who used to visit the site always. Sometimes I still feel emptiness, still feel grief over the abrupt and unjustified disappearance of our treasure.. our online sanctuary. I could remember the effort, enthusiam, and endurance I devoted for those sites. But there's nothing I can do now to recover what I exactly wrote. No way to recover the photos that were directly uploaded to the net. Perhaps it's true that everything happens for a reason. Someday I know I'll realize why it had to happen. But as far as NOW is concerned, I could impale that dick if ever I get a chance to see him in person. I could slay him, decapitate him, mutilate him, skin him or boil him at the heights of my madness. If only I have a way to know who he is, where he is, I swear to the most stupid, dogshit goddamned motherfucker, gonna kill him. Whoever that motherfucker is, hell on him! May his motherfuckin' soul burn in hell...

My apology for these profanities. Can't help it. This site contains nothing yet. Only wanna have an online presence somehow. I miss doing this stuff when I used to work in an internet cafe where I got all the tools I needed. Dreamweaver, Photoshop, HTML, and a personal PC that I can use 24/7. But now I work in a company located here in Makati and although I have a PC, I can barely use it for personal stuffs. It's really frustrating. And also, just a little switch of the topic. My life has never been the same since I decided to leave my place, my family and friends to work in a faraway place like this. I was able to work in Clarkfield also, last year (2003). And it was never easy. And I mean "never easy". I had a hard life there. I didn't realize that life away from family would be that cumbersome. My heart and mind were occupied by mixed emotions. They were filled with scrambled emptiness, melancholy, depression and physical exhaustion. I was going through an intense emotional chaos. I couldn't imagine that was happening to me. Really. It was entirely different from the life I lived when I was in my place. I couldn't imagine I was working in a night shift, and constantly struggling against drowsiness, stress and overfatigue. I had to sip a good number of cups of coffee just to stay awake at night or sometimes a gulp of Lipovitan or Red Bull or Gatorade would do. Taking more than 50 calls a night and then agonize over ear pains because of my acoustic trauma (FYI: Halle Berry has also got the same injury). I got this thing because of too much noise exposure when I used to be in a hard rock band (confirmed by the ENT specialist). And I had to wear these irritating ear plugs everytime I'm outdoor to lessen noise exposure. And according to the research I read, a 5-meter away gunshot can cause total deafness to people with such illness. And another dreadful thing is that I might be wearing a hearing aid by the age of 30 if it becomes severe, the doctor's forecast. What a plight. What a bullshit plight.

Also one of the prices that I had to pay for saving my sense of hearing is leaving the band. It's very cumbersome to leave the band, to leave playing music. Just the thought itself was killing me. I could'nt imagine I was separating myself from Rock N Roll. It's so hard to turn away from something that has become a part of your life and soul, something that your heart longs. Melodic Heavy Rock is somewhat like, the air that i breathe, the blood that flows through my veins. I think I can't live without hearing Creed, Staind, Vertical Horizon, Alter Bridge, Candlebox and Nirvana (oh that Kurt Cobain band, he's still the most influencial person in my life. All about him, his music, his agony, his life, his tragedy ) Leaving that thing was never really easy. My grief was even more aggravated when I learned I had an opportunity to play with a band that would "front act" Bamboo on one of his concerts last year (my friend invited me). I really wanted to, but I knew I couldn't. I knew I could gradually enter the local rock scene through that (as I always dreamed), but the price would be unbearable. I really must accept the fact that I just have to live a quiet life... a damn silent inanimate life. Fuck. So mine is a constant struggle, a lifetime anguish. It's a solid combination of sacrifice and agony. And yet I really thank God for somehow I can see myself sometimes with a smile on my face and a few laughters. It reminds me that life still has something nice to offer and still worthy to live despite the shits that I've been goin' through. I know God has reasons why these adversities are happening. Im just keeping the faith, the spiritual grip. That's what keeps me moving on. And I also wanna thank Scott Stapp (Creed) Kevin Martin (Candlebox) and Aaron Lewis (Staind) for their music based on the hardships they've gone through with their lives. It really helped me get through tough times. I couldn't put into words how their poignant music has affected me and touched my life. The honesty and emotions in their lyrics are so moving and make me realize that we all share the same decadence, and that I'm not the only one who's carrying a heavy load. Their songs uplift a down spirit. And I sometimes find myself in tears, yet relieved with their songs (especially with Staind's "Epiphany"). Their music is my medium of expression, my pain reliever, my soul healer. It's just amazing how these people could scream out what exactly I feel inside.

And with all this, I have realized pain molds a person into a stonger and better being. So feel it, get through it, I know it, coz I've been through it... still in it. Peace. Email: kurtnofat@yahoo.com