Sad But True
Warning: Explicit content, not suitable for young readers.
Sept 2004 - I have no choice but to end up with this crap. After being electronically assaulted about a year ago by a cyber smart ass, cyber son of a bitch or whatever motherfucker was that, all that I can do is settle on this simple stuff. This is the least that I could do, what else do you think I could? (dont have tools anymore). My websites were lost, websites that took nearly a couple of months before those were finally built. They're gone now. As easy as that. Man, that bullshit hacker just didn't know what shit I had gone through and how much time and attention I spent just to create those sites. Damn... all I could manage to do was feel my heart as if it's brutally shattered when I knew I lost it (the main site). Yet sometimes, though it's impossible, I still think, I still do wish I could have it back. It's not that it was a good looking site or something. It might not even interest everybody. But it is because it contained the photos that I dont have copies of, it contained the history of a happy experience (musically and socially), it contained the account of a great friendship, the moments of triumph and defeat that we will always treasure. Sad to say, all WE can do now is sigh and grieve over the loss of that site, and these people are my bandmates, my old friends and people who used to visit the site always. Sometimes I still feel emptiness, still feel grief over the abrupt and unjustified disappearance of our treasure.. our online sanctuary. I could remember the effort, enthusiam, and endurance I devoted for those sites. But there's nothing I can do now to recover what I exactly wrote. No way to recover the photos that were directly uploaded to the net. Perhaps it's true that everything happens for a reason. Someday I know I'll realize why it had to happen. But as far as NOW is concerned, I could impale that dick if ever I get a chance to see him in person. I could slay him, decapitate him, mutilate him, skin him or boil him at the heights of my madness. If only I have a way to know who he is, where he is, I swear to the most stupid, dogshit goddamned motherfucker, gonna kill him. Whoever that motherfucker is, hell on him! May his motherfuckin' soul burn in hell...
My apology for these profanities. Can't help it. This site contains nothing yet. Only wanna have an online presence somehow. I miss doing this stuff when I used to work in an internet cafe where I got all the tools I needed. Dreamweaver, Photoshop, HTML, and a personal PC that I can use 24/7. But now I work in a company located here in Makati and although I have a PC, I can barely use it for personal stuffs. It's really frustrating. And also, just a little switch of the topic. My life has never been the same since I decided to leave my place, my family and friends to work in a faraway place like this. I was able to work in Clarkfield also, last year (2003). And it was never easy. And I mean "never easy". I had a hard life there. I didn't realize that life away from family would be that cumbersome. My heart and mind were occupied by mixed emotions. They were filled with scrambled emptiness, melancholy, depression and physical exhaustion. I was going through an intense emotional chaos. I couldn't imagine that was happening to me. Really. It was entirely different from the life I lived when I was in my place. I couldn't imagine I was working in a night shift, and constantly struggling against drowsiness, stress and overfatigue. I had to sip a good number of cups of coffee just to stay awake at night or sometimes a gulp of Lipovitan or Red Bull or Gatorade would do. Taking more than 50 calls a night and then agonize over ear pains because of my acoustic trauma (FYI: Halle Berry has also got the same injury). I got this thing because of too much noise exposure when I used to be in a hard rock band (confirmed by the ENT specialist). And I had to wear these irritating ear plugs everytime I'm outdoor to lessen noise exposure. And according to the research I read, a 5-meter away gunshot can cause total deafness to people with such illness. And another dreadful thing is that I might be wearing a hearing aid by the age of 30 if it becomes severe, the doctor's forecast. What a plight. What a bullshit plight.
Also one of the prices that I had to pay for saving my sense of hearing is leaving the band. It's very cumbersome to leave the band, to leave playing music. Just the thought itself was killing me. I could'nt imagine I was separating myself from Rock N Roll. It's so hard to turn away from something that has become a part of your life and soul, something that your heart longs. Melodic Heavy Rock is somewhat like, the air that i breathe, the blood that flows through my veins. I think I can't live without hearing Creed, Staind, Vertical Horizon, Alter Bridge, Candlebox and Nirvana (oh that Kurt Cobain band, he's still the most influencial person in my life. All about him, his music, his agony, his life, his tragedy ) Leaving that thing was never really easy. My grief was even more aggravated when I learned I had an opportunity to play with a band that would "front act" Bamboo on one of his concerts last year (my friend invited me). I really wanted to, but I knew I couldn't. I knew I could gradually enter the local rock scene through that (as I always dreamed), but the price would be unbearable. I really must accept the fact that I just have to live a quiet life... a damn silent inanimate life. Fuck. So mine is a constant struggle, a lifetime anguish. It's a solid combination of sacrifice and agony. And yet I really thank God for somehow I can see myself sometimes with a smile on my face and a few laughters. It reminds me that life still has something nice to offer and still worthy to live despite the shits that I've been goin' through. I know God has reasons why these adversities are happening. Im just keeping the faith, the spiritual grip. That's what keeps me moving on. And I also wanna thank Scott Stapp (Creed) Kevin Martin (Candlebox) and Aaron Lewis (Staind) for their music based on the hardships they've gone through with their lives. It really helped me get through tough times. I couldn't put into words how their poignant music has affected me and touched my life. The honesty and emotions in their lyrics are so moving and make me realize that we all share the same decadence, and that I'm not the only one who's carrying a heavy load. Their songs uplift a down spirit. And I sometimes find myself in tears, yet relieved with their songs (especially with Staind's "Epiphany"). Their music is my medium of expression, my pain reliever, my soul healer. It's just amazing how these people could scream out what exactly I feel inside.
And with all this, I have realized pain molds a person into a stonger and better being. So feel it, get through it, I know it, coz I've been through it... still in it. Peace. Email: kurtnofat@yahoo.com
Sept 2004 - I have no choice but to end up with this crap. After being electronically assaulted about a year ago by a cyber smart ass, cyber son of a bitch or whatever motherfucker was that, all that I can do is settle on this simple stuff. This is the least that I could do, what else do you think I could? (dont have tools anymore). My websites were lost, websites that took nearly a couple of months before those were finally built. They're gone now. As easy as that. Man, that bullshit hacker just didn't know what shit I had gone through and how much time and attention I spent just to create those sites. Damn... all I could manage to do was feel my heart as if it's brutally shattered when I knew I lost it (the main site). Yet sometimes, though it's impossible, I still think, I still do wish I could have it back. It's not that it was a good looking site or something. It might not even interest everybody. But it is because it contained the photos that I dont have copies of, it contained the history of a happy experience (musically and socially), it contained the account of a great friendship, the moments of triumph and defeat that we will always treasure. Sad to say, all WE can do now is sigh and grieve over the loss of that site, and these people are my bandmates, my old friends and people who used to visit the site always. Sometimes I still feel emptiness, still feel grief over the abrupt and unjustified disappearance of our treasure.. our online sanctuary. I could remember the effort, enthusiam, and endurance I devoted for those sites. But there's nothing I can do now to recover what I exactly wrote. No way to recover the photos that were directly uploaded to the net. Perhaps it's true that everything happens for a reason. Someday I know I'll realize why it had to happen. But as far as NOW is concerned, I could impale that dick if ever I get a chance to see him in person. I could slay him, decapitate him, mutilate him, skin him or boil him at the heights of my madness. If only I have a way to know who he is, where he is, I swear to the most stupid, dogshit goddamned motherfucker, gonna kill him. Whoever that motherfucker is, hell on him! May his motherfuckin' soul burn in hell...
My apology for these profanities. Can't help it. This site contains nothing yet. Only wanna have an online presence somehow. I miss doing this stuff when I used to work in an internet cafe where I got all the tools I needed. Dreamweaver, Photoshop, HTML, and a personal PC that I can use 24/7. But now I work in a company located here in Makati and although I have a PC, I can barely use it for personal stuffs. It's really frustrating. And also, just a little switch of the topic. My life has never been the same since I decided to leave my place, my family and friends to work in a faraway place like this. I was able to work in Clarkfield also, last year (2003). And it was never easy. And I mean "never easy". I had a hard life there. I didn't realize that life away from family would be that cumbersome. My heart and mind were occupied by mixed emotions. They were filled with scrambled emptiness, melancholy, depression and physical exhaustion. I was going through an intense emotional chaos. I couldn't imagine that was happening to me. Really. It was entirely different from the life I lived when I was in my place. I couldn't imagine I was working in a night shift, and constantly struggling against drowsiness, stress and overfatigue. I had to sip a good number of cups of coffee just to stay awake at night or sometimes a gulp of Lipovitan or Red Bull or Gatorade would do. Taking more than 50 calls a night and then agonize over ear pains because of my acoustic trauma (FYI: Halle Berry has also got the same injury). I got this thing because of too much noise exposure when I used to be in a hard rock band (confirmed by the ENT specialist). And I had to wear these irritating ear plugs everytime I'm outdoor to lessen noise exposure. And according to the research I read, a 5-meter away gunshot can cause total deafness to people with such illness. And another dreadful thing is that I might be wearing a hearing aid by the age of 30 if it becomes severe, the doctor's forecast. What a plight. What a bullshit plight.
Also one of the prices that I had to pay for saving my sense of hearing is leaving the band. It's very cumbersome to leave the band, to leave playing music. Just the thought itself was killing me. I could'nt imagine I was separating myself from Rock N Roll. It's so hard to turn away from something that has become a part of your life and soul, something that your heart longs. Melodic Heavy Rock is somewhat like, the air that i breathe, the blood that flows through my veins. I think I can't live without hearing Creed, Staind, Vertical Horizon, Alter Bridge, Candlebox and Nirvana (oh that Kurt Cobain band, he's still the most influencial person in my life. All about him, his music, his agony, his life, his tragedy ) Leaving that thing was never really easy. My grief was even more aggravated when I learned I had an opportunity to play with a band that would "front act" Bamboo on one of his concerts last year (my friend invited me). I really wanted to, but I knew I couldn't. I knew I could gradually enter the local rock scene through that (as I always dreamed), but the price would be unbearable. I really must accept the fact that I just have to live a quiet life... a damn silent inanimate life. Fuck. So mine is a constant struggle, a lifetime anguish. It's a solid combination of sacrifice and agony. And yet I really thank God for somehow I can see myself sometimes with a smile on my face and a few laughters. It reminds me that life still has something nice to offer and still worthy to live despite the shits that I've been goin' through. I know God has reasons why these adversities are happening. Im just keeping the faith, the spiritual grip. That's what keeps me moving on. And I also wanna thank Scott Stapp (Creed) Kevin Martin (Candlebox) and Aaron Lewis (Staind) for their music based on the hardships they've gone through with their lives. It really helped me get through tough times. I couldn't put into words how their poignant music has affected me and touched my life. The honesty and emotions in their lyrics are so moving and make me realize that we all share the same decadence, and that I'm not the only one who's carrying a heavy load. Their songs uplift a down spirit. And I sometimes find myself in tears, yet relieved with their songs (especially with Staind's "Epiphany"). Their music is my medium of expression, my pain reliever, my soul healer. It's just amazing how these people could scream out what exactly I feel inside.
And with all this, I have realized pain molds a person into a stonger and better being. So feel it, get through it, I know it, coz I've been through it... still in it. Peace. Email: kurtnofat@yahoo.com
posted by Lex The Sex at 9:43 AM
1 Comments:
online sanctuary - good one!
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